Segments are rated on a scale of 1-5 stars
NBC SPECIAL REPORT
Dick Cheney (DAH) rides a Tomahawk missile flying toward Baghdad
— Funny visual of Darrell’s Dick Cheney casually sitting on an airborne missile while snacking on a Lunchable mini-pizza.
— Cheney: “It’s nice to have a missile this size between my legs.”
— I could do without Darrell’s Cheney speaking on the phone to an unseen President Bush. It just brings attention to this new season’s lack of Will Ferrell, as well as the fact that SNL seemingly hasn’t found a new Bush impersonator yet. Actually, the original cold opening of this episode in dress rehearsal had Darrell debuting a Bush impression, but his impression reportedly bombed so badly that it got cut after dress and SNL had to scramble for a replacement cold opening. This Dick-Cheney-on-a-missile piece was originally a Weekend Update commentary at dress rehearsal, with Tina delivering basically the same dialogue to Darrell’s Cheney that Parnell’s Tom Brokaw is doing here in the live version. And getting back to the Darrell’s-Bush-bombing-at-dress-rehearsal thing, the very next episode has SNL giving the Bush impression to a certain other cast member (you’ll see who when I review the episode, if you don’t already know who it is), but SNL would end up going back to the Darrell-as-Bush route the following season. Geez, as you can see, SNL’s attempt to replace Will Ferrell’s Bush impression is ALREADY getting extremely troubled and convoluted. And if the notoriously horrible Bush impression that Darrell would do on the air the following season is the improved version of his original Bush impression from tonight’s episode’s dress rehearsal, you really have to wonder just how fucking bad that original version of his impression was.
— Cheney telling Bush over the phone that he refuses to ask Saddam to say “Dude, you’re gettin’ a Dell” kinda made me laugh, just because it’s always funny in retrospect to be reminded of those Dell computer commercials from this time period. The following week’s episode will have a whole Weekend Update commentary about it.
— That’s it? This cold opening’s over already? This was unusually short and, despite a few highlights, fairly unremarkable for a season premiere cold opening. This definitely would’ve been more fitting as an Update commentary. Parnell’s Brokaw felt increasingly tacked on as this cold opening went on, and they eventually flat-out stopped cutting to him during the last minute or so of this, making it even more obvious that he wasn’t part of the original script.
STARS: **½
OPENING MONTAGE
— Same montage from the preceding two seasons. However, quite a number of changes have been made to the motif, including the removal of the scrolling SNL logos on the letterboxed top and bottom of the screen, and a new addition of a neon screen filter effect being used in all of the shots (some screencaps of the latter below).
— The initial shot of each repertory player (before their full name is displayed on the bottom of the screen) is now accompanied by their first name scrolling across the screen.
— When the cast members’ full names are displayed on the bottom of the screen, the font used for their names in the preceding two seasons’ opening montage has now been replaced with a new font. This new font strongly resembles the one used for the cast’s names in the season 23 montage (some side-by-side comparisons between season 23 and season 28’s name fonts below).
— Horatio Sanz’s shot from the preceding two seasons’ opening montage (first screencap below) has now been replaced with a new shot (second screencap below).
— Fred Armisen and Will Forte have been added to the cast tonight.
MONOLOGUE
feuding Justin Timberlake (host) & Britney Spears (AMP) stage a dance-off
— Good part with Matt Damon giving us examples of some of the big news stories over the summer that he wished he could’ve spoofed on SNL. I especially love his vocal impression of Mike Tyson.
— Pretty funny brief appearance from Maya as Justin Guarini from that summer’s hit new show, American Idol.
— Very interesting turn with Matt walking to the set of a sketch while talking about his favorite story of the summer that he’s about to perform a sketch about: Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake’s “angry dance-off”. A rare case of a full-fledged sketch being performed within a monologue.
— I find it questionable that THIS is the summer story that SNL (or Matt) has chosen to do an entire sketch about in this monologue. Matt and Amy are executing this well enough, but I just don’t have much interest in this type of material. In retrospect, this is the early stages of this SNL period gradually starting to rely way too heavily on the type of pop culture that I just don’t care for, not even in spoof form, similar to my recent complaints in the preceding season’s Kirsten Dunst episode about SNL spoofing the Hilton Sisters long before America at large even knew who the Hilton Sisters were.
— A laugh from Amy’s Britney saying “Oh, ya’ll, that makes my boobs hurt!”
— Pretty funny visual of Matt’s Justin doing The Robot to the song “Gloria”, of all things.
STARS: **½
NRA
the NRA says “happy hunting season” as the AFLAC duck is shot
— Two priceless and unexpected turns: the first being the Aflac duck showing up out of nowhere, and the second being Jimmy and Horatio’s hunter characters violently shooting the Aflac duck to bits. The latter had me howling.
STARS: ****½
BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET
porcupine & pot-bellied pig cause anxiety
— Not a bad choice for a lead-off sketch of the season, even if I know they’ll never top the last Brian Fellow sketch from the preceding season’s The Rock episode. It’s great that the once-notoriously-underused Tracy Morgan has now gotten to the point where SNL can confidently star him in the lead-off sketch of a season. A good early sign of how reliable Tracy will be this season.
— And now, here’s a bad sign of things to come this season: Horatio’s ALREADY a giggly mess for no apparent reason, only one live sketch into the season.
— Some good laughs from Brian Fellow confusing Matt’s normal description of the porcupine for dirty talk. I particularly like Brian saying “Hopefully, we’ll bleep that on the West Coast.”
— Funny turn with Brian randomly asking Matt, for no apparent reason, “Why does that pig hate Jewish people?”
— I love Brian Fellow casually mentioning an uncle of his named Kool-Aid.
STARS: ***½
NRA
the NRA says “take the safety off” as AT&T shill Carrot Top (SEM) is shot
— Another funny turn in these NRA ads, with Seth suddenly showing up as Carrot Top, spoofing Carrot Top’s AT&T commercials.
STARS: ***½
SPRINGSTEEN CONCERT
Denise misses her chance to go “Dancing In the Dark” with musical guest
— A given for this recurring sketch to appear in a Matt Damon episode.
— I like the passing mention of Matt’s character having gone out with Denise’s mom in the past.
— As expected, Matt is giving a very solid performance in this sketch.
— Why is Bruce Springsteen being represented by the arm of a body double? After all, Bruce himself is there at SNL tonight. He couldn’t be bothered to make a little walk-on during a sketch?
— I love how Springsteen (or his body double, rather) is unsuccessful in his attempt to lift Denise onto the stage, because, as Sully puts it, “He can’t lift the juggs!”
— In the middle of the preceding commercial break, when this sketch was shown being set up, one of the cast members heard being called by the stage manager to take their place for this sketch was Seth. However, Seth ended up not being seen anywhere in the overall sketch. So why was he called during the commercial break? Or was that him playing Springsteen’s arm in this sketch? If so, that may be the oddest utilization of a cast member in SNL history.
STARS: ***½
NUTRI-QUICK
Nutri-Quick Meal On-The-Go suppositories anally nourish busy workers
— A good laugh from the initial visual of the ridiculously huge anal suppository.
— Funny visual of Parnell stiffly walking away with his butt tightly clenched, after he’s taken the suppository.
— Meh at Jeff’s big tagline being an intentionally groan-worthy “Let’s just say I put my lunch… up my butt!”
— Strangely, the audience doesn’t applaud at the end of this.
STARS: ***
HANNIBAL LECTER GOES TO MICHIGAN STATE
Hannibal Lecter (host) in pre-prequel
— A pretty strong Hannibal Lecter impression from Matt, and a decent premise, showing Hannibal’s freshman year of college.
— I got a good laugh from Horatio cutting off Hannibal’s unsettling rant with “Just answer your message, asswipe.”
— The reveal of Hannibal sitting on the toilet during his current rant could be seen coming from a mile away.
— Some of these scenes are falling very flat with the audience, including the aforementioned toilet scene.
— I like the ending scene with Hannibal singing the WKRP In Cincinnati theme song.
STARS: **½
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Lonesome Day”
WEEKEND UPDATE
Red Sox fans SEM & host give Yankee fans tips on how to cope with losing
Venezuelan comedian Fericito (FRA) says JIF should employ a catchphrase
— During Jimmy’s smallpox joke, his delivery of the “big pox” punchline groaner and the way he stared down the camera afterwards with a deadpan facial expression were VERY Norm Macdonald-esque.
— Decent commentary with Red Sox fans Seth Meyers and Matt Damon giving tips to Yankees fans on how to cope with the Yankees being eliminated from the playoffs.
— The audience’s (initially delayed) uproarious negative reaction to Matt’s “You still have the Jets” comment is pretty funny.
— I like the whole “married to a black bear” bit between Jimmy and Tina. I’m seeing improvement in Jimmy’s Update performance this season. IIRC, over the course of both this and the following season, we’ll be seeing Jimmy gradually surpass Tina as the better anchor, though that also partly has to do with Tina gradually going downhill.
— Tina’s Ziggy joke bombed hard with the audience, though judging from her ad-lib afterwards, she had been expecting that reaction.
— Nice to see Fred Armisen getting an Update commentary in his very first episode.
— While I’m not laughing all that hard at this Fericito commentary, Fred’s performance is fun, and it’s very impressive how much he’s commanding the stage and working the audience in his very first SNL appearance. I remember being so taken by this when this originally aired.
— A good callback to Fericito’s earlier advice to Jimmy, with Jimmy following up his next joke with an “I’m just keeediiiing!”
STARS: ***½
DAMONS
Dr. Matt Damon (CHP) complains to namesake host about being overshadowed
— I love Parnell’s understated bitterness when recalling how he had his identity as someone named Matt Damon ripped away from him when the actor Matt Damon became popular.
— Very funny reveal of Tracy’s name being Ben Affleck.
— All the quick name rundowns when Parnell is introducing everyone are well-done and funny.
— A good random bit with Dean’s name being Dr. Julius Irving.
— Parnell’s over-excited attitude when finding out he’s cured cancer is a nice and rare display of Parnell going over the top.
— Solid sketch overall.
STARS: ****
VERSACE POCKETS
the extravagant way to enjoy a microwaveable meal
— A good out-of-the-ordinary setting for Maya’s Versace impression.
— It’s pretty funny listening to the audience gradually realize Horatio is playing Rosie O’Donnell, who wasn’t introduced by name (unless I missed it).
— Matt’s doing a very funny spoof of Axl Rose’s then-recent MTV VMAs performance, right down to imitating Rose being so out of breath after his performance.
— Maya’s Versace performance in this overall sketch seemed a little more low-key and half-hearted than usual. Even her usual trademark angry yell of “Get out” at the end was simply spoken in a monotone manner tonight. I prefer her more absurdist, cartoonish, fun take on Versace in the preceding season’s Hugh Jackman episode.
STARS: ***
TV FUNHOUSE
“The Smurfette Show” by RBS- blue sprite behaves like Anna Nicole Smith
— A random but promising idea to do a hybrid of The Smurfs and the Anna Nicole Show.
— A pretty well-done and accurate spoof of the trashy Anna Nicole Show, while also doing a spot-on imitation of The Smurfs’ animation and cliches.
— Nice touch having Jim Cummings do the voice of Gargamel.
— This overall cartoon kinda lost its luster for me towards the end, and should’ve concluded a little sooner.
STARS: ***½
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “You’re Missing”
SEX ROBOT
(host)’s government-funded sex robot project has come to naught
— I love that Parnell’s been experiencing increased airtime tonight, now that Will Ferrell is gone. I remember that this and (especially) the following week’s episode both had me convinced at the time that Parnell was taking over as SNL’s new utility star, and was going to get Ferrell levels of airtime on a regular basis. (*sigh*) If I only knew better…
— A very funny random throwaway joke with Darrell’s name being General Mills.
— Good reveal of the “important” project that the government is expecting from Matt turning out to be a sex robot. I’m surprised that reveal didn’t get a better audience reaction.
— Solid fake-out with Amy turning out to be a real woman and not the sex robot.
— The actual sex robot just being a trash can with a gloryhole is hilarious.
— Kattan has only made two appearances in this entire episode, both appearances of which were just small supporting roles that anyone could’ve played, which already shows how pointless it was for Kattan to return for another season.
— I love Parnell’s line about “the question mark suit guy from those commercials” (Matthew Lesko) being the bane of the government’s existence. This sketch is featuring a lot of the kind of absurdity that I love.
STARS: ****
DR. PHIL
Dr. Phil McGraw (JER) offers wacky counsel to guests on his show
— A then-rare occurrence of Jeff starring in a sketch.
— Jeff is a great impressionist in general, but I’m not too impressed by his Dr. Phil here. The voice isn’t anywhere near deep enough. His performance itself is pretty good, though.
— A pretty good laugh from the very brief “Take your top off” scene between Dr. Phil and Maya.
— Will Forte (who words cannot express how excited I am to reach the tenure of) gets his very first laughs from me in this SNL project of mine, with the sullen, deep voice he’s using as Santa Claus, and his general deadpan demeanor here, the latter of which is adding a nice subtle touch of absurdity to this Santa role. And the whole back-and-forth between him and Jeff’s Dr. Phil is consistently cracking me up.
— Jeff’s goofy, chipper smile into the camera at the end kinda bombed with the audience. I remember it being pointed out on an online SNL board back then that Jeff had a look on his face during the goodnights that seemed like he was aware his sketch didn’t go over too well with the audience.
STARS: ***
THE WAR ON IRAQ
new reality series is coming soon to NBC
— A lot of pre-taped fake ads in tonight’s episode.
— An okay premise with presenting The War On Iraq as a cheery sitcom promo. And as always, Parnell’s professional voice-over adds a lot to the humor.
— Parnell’s voice-over, on one of the things to expect from this show: “Mustaches. Lots and lots of Tom Selleck mustaches.”
— Surprised this is over already. Felt like this had potential to be taken a little further.
STARS: ***
GOODNIGHTS
IMMEDIATE POST-SHOW THOUGHTS
— Not a bad season premiere, which is kinda surprising, given how this season will end up turning out. I can still see some early signs of trouble for this season, though. Tonight’s cold opening and monologue didn’t get this season premiere off on the best foot, and, as I kept pointing out throughout the review, the audience was strangely unresponsive to several parts of the show, something that would go on to be a recurring theme this season (especially in the very next episode). Most of tonight’s sketches were still good, though, including a few stand-outs in the post-Weekend Update half. Matt Damon was a solid host and fit well in SNL’s format.
MY PERSONAL CHOICE OF “BEST OF” MOMENTS FOR THIS EPISODE, REPRESENTED WITH SCREENCAPS
HOW THIS EPISODE STACKS UP AGAINST THE PRECEDING SEASON (2001-02)
a slight step down
My full set of screencaps for this episode is here
TOMORROW
Sarah Michelle Gellar