April 20, 1991 – Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton (S16 E18)

Segments are rated on a scale of 1-5 stars

COLD OPENING
Pumping Up With Hans & Franz- host confronts duo after they insult him

— This recurring sketch has strangely gone from seemingly being phased out to suddenly appearing twice in three episodes.
— Oh, god, here we go: our first Steven Seagal appearance of the night.
— Hans and Franz’s zen definition made me laugh.
— I got a good laugh from Dana’s delivery of “It’s the super baby fingah!”
— Seagal’s overall appearance didn’t bring down this sketch as much as I had remembered.
— Good fantasy sequence with Hans and Franz acting like Seagal. I especially like them replacing their trademark hand clap with a soft pinky bump.
STARS: ***

OPENING MONTAGE
— The theme music would later be replaced with the dress rehearsal version in reruns.

MONOLOGUE
host sings “Kung Fu Fighting” & plays guitar

— I guess Seagal’s dead-serious set-up is supposed to be funny, considering what song he ends up singing, but his typical delivery is so un-humorously somber that it’s killing the potential humor.
— Ugh, now we have to sit through him singing, complete with guitar-playing.
— Hearing Seagal mangle a classic like “Kung Fu Fighting” is painful.
— The awkward look on Chris Rock’s face during his back-up singing says it all. He’s fully aware of the lameness of what he’s participating in.
— At least the song was fairly short.
— In true rude Steven Seagal fashion, Seagal walks off the stage before the camera even fades to black at the end of this.
STARS: *

WINSTON-MCCAULEY FUNERAL HOME
— Rerun from the George Steinbrenner episode

TENELLI: ONE MAN ARMY
Richard Laymer gets on the bad side of demoted renegade cop Nico (host)

— Right off the bat, Seagal is butchering the dialogue with his bad acting and odd vocal inflections. He seems completely uninterested and uncommitted to the material.
— The brief interaction between Seagal and Julia would later be replaced with the dress rehearsal version in reruns. The reason for this is because in the live show, Seagal forgot to (or maybe flat-out REFUSED to) playfully ruffle Julia’s hair, which he does in the dress rehearsal version. When he forgets to do that in the live show, you can see Julia looking at him confusedly, obviously wondering why he didn’t do it. Adding insult to injury, this ends up being Julia’s ONLY appearance of the entire night. I’m sure she was THRILLED to have Seagal botch the only scene she appears in.
— Okay, there’s finally a good laugh, with Farley’s hilarious pratfall as Seagal shoves him to the floor. I can already tell that little moment is easily going to end up being one of the overall highlights of this troubled episode.
— Oh, god, Richmeister AGAIN? He debuted in January, and now, just three months later when this season hasn’t even ended yet, he’s ALREADY making his fourth appearance. Four appearances in less than half a season is insane for such a one-note, one-dimensional character like this.
— It’s very telling that the writers were struggling to come up with ideas that Seagal was willing to perform, when they have to resort to bringing back so many characters that they used just two episodes ago (Hans and Franz, Richmeister).
— For the first time ever, Richmeister receives recognition applause. By comparison, it only took Julia’s Pat character three installments to start receiving recognition applause.
— I got a big laugh from Richmeister suddenly being shoved by Seagal through the breakaway copy machine prop. That came out of NOWHERE.
— The hanging-Richmeister-out-the-window scene could’ve been funny, but of course you have Seagal’s stitled, stumbly delivery hurting the potential humor.
— A weak and awkward ending.
STARS: *½

ALL STAR CELEBRITY TRIBUTE
Gulf War soldier (TIM) receives one of many All-Star Celebrity Tributes

 

— Tim’s subtly annoyed reactions to this overblown celebration are well-done. This is a great early display of Tim’s funny and reliable straight man skills.
— The pre-taped Bush message is very funny with the intermittent, obviously spliced-in footage of him saying things specific to Tim’s character.
— This feels like the first in a long time we’ve seen Phil’s Charlton Heston impression.
— Hilarious segment with Phil’s Heston reading a private and humiliating masturbation letter that Tim sent to a friend.
— The Tony Orlando song is funny with the clumsy, specific lyrics describing things about Tim.
— An overall very solid sketch. Amazing what the lack of Steven Seagal can do to a sketch.
— According to GettyImages, Farley appeared in the dress rehearsal version of this sketch in a role that was cut from the live version (pic here and here). I can’t tell from the pictures who he played.
STARS: ****

THE DARK SIDE WITH NAT X
Nat X interviews Andrew Dice Clay (host)

 

— The audience is dead during the first half-minute of this, though Rock’s stumbly delivery isn’t helping.
— Okay, after a rough start, things are getting better.
— Nice to see Farley’s Sandman character getting a good amount of dialogue for once.
— You can tell Rock is trying not to crack up at Farley’s comically hokey, kid-friendly delivery while reading a letter from a kid.
— Great line from Nat X about loving bowling because he gets to see a black ball crash into white pins with red necks.
— The Top 5 list of reasons why the L.A.P.D. beat up Rodney King pales in comparison to other Top 5 lists from other Nat X sketches. This one is more notable for containing SNL’s very first direct mention of rival(?) sketch comedy show “In Living Color”.
— Ugh at Seagal as Andrew Dice Clay. I guess this is fitting casting, though, considering Dice was SNL’s last controversial host. However, compared to Seagal’s unbearable performances tonight, Dice was comedy gold in his hosting stint.
— The bleeps during Seagal-as-Dice’s expletive-filled rant are poorly-timed.
— I loved Nat X’s nursery rhyme to Dice that ends with “Blah-blah-blah-blah, my big black foot in yo ass!”
STARS: **½

DEEP THOUGHTS BY JACK HANDEY
on hoping that nude operas exist

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Love is a Wonderful Thing”

WEEKEND UPDATE
Mr. Subliminal gives editorial on Kitty Kelley’s Nancy Reagan biography
ADS spent his Greek vacation goofing off at the hotel

 

— As par for the course lately, we unfortunately get a monotone and dour-sounding Dennis Miller tonight. Only two Updates left…
— Kevin makes his final appearance at the Update desk before eventually taking over as the new Update anchor next season. Interesting to see this passing-of-the-torch tonight, even if neither Dennis nor Kevin were aware of it at the time.

— We get the usual reliably funny subliminal dialogue during the Mr. Subliminal commentary. My favorites have been the doggy style and L.A.P.D. comments.
— A good laugh from Dennis subliminally calling Mr. Subliminal’s overall commentary “too long”.
— Boy, Dennis isn’t even TRYING with some of these lame “misinterpreting a photo” jokes tonight.
— Adam Sandler makes his very first visit to the Update desk. Feels weird seeing him in a Dennis Miller-anchored Weekend Update.
— SNL would later replace Adam’s commentary with the dress rehearsal version in reruns. The most noticeable difference is the way he’s dressed in both versions (side-by-side comparison below).

— Adam’s getting some good laughs from his goofy charm. You can tell he’s kinda nervous during this, but it works here.
— Dennis, after Adam’s commentary has ended: “Maybe I was a little hard on Mr. Subliminal.”
— According to GettyImages, Al Franken had a commentary that was cut after this episode’s dress rehearsal (pic here).
STARS: **½

MUSICIANS FOR FREE-RANGE CHICKENS
musical guest & others do benefit recording for free-range chickens

   

— Funny intro from Dana’s Casey Kasem.
— The very first of what will be several epic “We Are the World”-esque musical pieces that SNL would do in this era.
— Good use of Michael Bolton here.
— I’m loving the various celebrity impressions here, particularly Adam’s Axl Rose and the return of Dana & David’s Dylan and Petty duo. And, when I look past the unfortunate blackface factor, Jan steals almost the entire sketch as Diana Ross (“I love you! Don’t touch me! I love you!”).
— The song is excellent, especially when the performers are all singing the chorus in unison.
— An insane visual of Victoria-as-Cyndi-Lauper’s vocal chords bursting during a high note she sings.
— An overall classic sketch, and also happens to be our second sketch of the night that features no Steven Seagal. Notice a pattern here?
STARS: *****

DEEP THOUGHTS BY JACK HANDEY
on that neck-loving screeching thing

DADDY’S GIRL
(host) uses intimidation to ensure daughter’s safety on date with (CHF)

 

— Some good lines from Farley at the beginning, during his conversation with Jan.
— Seagal IMMEDIATELY kills any momentum this sketch had going as soon as he’s begun to speak.
— Boy, is this sketch dead so far, not to mention sluggishly-paced as hell.
— A laugh from the bit with Rob whispering many details of Farley’s car to Seagal.
— Good god, where’s the damn volume button on my video player? Seagal’s delivery is becoming increasingly inaudible and mumbly as this sketch progresses, to the degree that I can hardly hear him anymore. Not that he’s been saying anything funny anyway.
— God bless the always-reliable Jan Hooks, who’s been adding some much-needed little laughs throughout this with her chipper utterances whenever she’s about to exit the scene.
— After my praising of Jan’s performance in this, it just hit me that we’re sadly in the homestretch of her SNL tenure.
— Thank god this sketch is finally over.
— This sketch was actually originally intended for Dennis Hopper earlier this season, but it got cut after that night’s dress rehearsal. A video of that Hopper version of this sketch used to be available on Yahoo Screen. I don’t remember it being too great a sketch, but as you can imagine, Hopper was miles better in his performance than Seagal.
STARS: *½

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Time, Love & Tenderness”

BRACE STEELE, GREENPEACE PHOTOGRAPHER
Greenpeace photograher Brace Steele (host) stumbles upon Exxon conspiracy

— Just when it seemed like this episode couldn’t get any worse, here comes one of my all-time least favorite SNL sketches ever.
— Things are ALREADY starting off rough during the opening darkroom scene, especially the poorly-delivered bit with Seagal revealing that the film Mike overexposed was Seagal’s beloved vacation photos. The right kind of host could’ve made that joke work, but instead, we have Steven Seagal, who couldn’t sell a joke to save his life.
— Another use of Dana’s Bush impression tonight, this time being heard through a speaker phone. His impression is coming off so out-of-place in this particular sketch.
— Okay, I did get a laugh from Dana’s Bush being heard hanging up the phone in a panic after Seagal breaks up the meeting.
— You gotta ironically love Seagal’s epically horrible dramatic delivery of “I’ve got evidence… PHOTOGRAPHIC evidence.”
— God bless the always-reliable Phil Hartman, who managed to get a much-needed chuckle from me with his nonchalant laugh to the other execs when explaining to Seagal that he’ll just lie about what he and the execs were doing in Seagal’s candid photos of their meeting.
— Phil actually looked like he was almost going to crack up after slapping Seagal the first time. There’s a reason for this. In Phil’s “Best Of” DVD, during the bonus “outtakes” feature where they show dress rehearsal bloopers involving Phil, there’s a clip from the dress version of this sketch where, IIRC, the slap sound effects are delayed when Phil slaps Seagal, leading to Phil having a funny facial reaction.
— We now get a too-realistic and completely unfunny fight sequence with Seagal kicking the execs’ asses and throwing them into breakaway furniture props. I ironically love how they actually had to use a stunt double for Phil.
— Aaaaaaaand tonight’s notorious SNL episode concludes with Seagal delivering a serious, preachy, straight-to-camera “This is what happens when you pollute the planet!” It’s almost comedic in itself that such a dreaded SNL episode end in this particular manner. It’s strangely fitting.
STARS: *

GOODNIGHTS

— After a while, Seagal doesn’t even TRY to interact with the cast anymore. He goes to the back of the stage by the SNL Band and stays there for the remainder of the goodnights. I think I remember Chevy Chase doing something similar during the goodnights of his own notorious episode in season 11 (when he spent the entire week offending pretty much the entire cast).

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IMMEDIATE POST-SHOW THOUGHTS
— And so ends one of the most infamous episodes in SNL history. On the positive side, the show still had its merits, though it was mainly just limited to All Star Celebrity Tribute and Musicians For Free-Range Chickens (it’s not a coincidence that neither of those two sketches involved tonight’s host). But on the negative side, what was bad in this episode was fucking BRUTAL, especially the monologue and the final two sketches of the night. Steven Seagal certainly deserves much of the blame for this episode’s lousiness. All I have left to say about him is, he ABSOLUTELY lives up to his bad reputation as a nightmare host.
— I guess I was long overdue to review a notably really bad episode anyway, considering there impressively weren’t ANY during the 1986-1990 renaissance era, nor during this season up until this point. Tonight’s episode was easily the worst I’ve reviewed since covering season 11. Until now, I had kinda forgotten what it’s like for me to be so salty during a review.

HOW THIS EPISODE STACKS UP AGAINST THE PRECEDING ONE (Catherine O’Hara)
a huge step down

My full set of screencaps for this episode is here

TOMORROW
Delta Burke