Segments are rated on a scale of 1-5 stars
AMERICAN IDOL
awful contestants want to be the next William Hung
— Though a typical hammy Horatio Sanz performance from around this time, his ridiculous singing of “Jenny From The Block” is making me laugh. I also think one of his dance moves here would later be recycled by him in the opening title sequence of the Carol sketches from the following season.
— Ehh, Horatio’s talking-to-the-judges bit is going on too long.
— Fred exuberantly singing with a voice box is hilarious.
— Another funny use of Rachel’s everlasting deformed baby character, and it’s nice to see this character say “Live from New York…” for once.
STARS: ***
MONOLOGUE
KET brings Chihuahua Jose Cuervo to chat with host’s dog Tinkerbell
— The first words out of Paris Hilton’s mouth in this monologue: “That’s hot.” UGGGGHHHH. Talk about immediately setting a bad tone for tonight’s episode.
— Not sure I care for the focus of this monologue being the dogs communicating with each other, but then again, if this is SNL’s deliberate way of giving Paris very minimal airtime in her own monologue, then I guess I can’t complain much.
— Blah. As it turns out, I’m not sure how much better of an alternative this dog conversation monologue is. I’m not laughing much here.
STARS: *½
CHEAPKIDS.NET
cheapkids.net offers shoddy kids items for parents who can’t be bothered
— Why does the name Gary B. Anthony sound familiar to me?
— Some pretty good laughs from the cheap childrens items on display, especially the pre-owned pacifiers.
— A good dark ending with the sound of an off-camera power drill starting up shortly after the baby sticks the drill’s plug into a socket.
STARS: ***½
VERSACE SKIING
in Switzerland, Donatella Versace (MAR) skis with host & Elton John (HOS)
— Ugh.
— Surprisingly, this is the first Versace sketch in an entire year. I guess even SNL themselves have realized how extremely played-out these sketches have become.
— I admit to getting a laugh just now from the stock footage cutaway of “Versace” skiing.
— Only 13 minutes into tonight’s SNL episode, and Paris has already said the word “hot” WAY too much. I know “That’s hot” is her famous catchphrase and everything, but come the hell on.
— Oh, god. There goes the typical unfunny back-and-forth parade of “bitch” utterances that usually occurs in a Versace sketch during an argument between Versace and someone else.
— Maya’s utterance of “Get out” after pushing Paris off the slope came off particularly half-assed and too thrown in as an afterthought.
— Ugh, cue Horatio’s Elton John and a whole bunch of obligatory, lazy gay sex jokes.
— Maya’s Versace seems more self-aware than usual in this installment.
— What was with the “To be continued…?” ending. When this episode originally aired, that “To be continued…?” ending of this sketch scared me into thinking we were getting a continuation of this wretched sketch later tonight. Thankfully, that turned out to not be the case, but it also renders the “To be continued…?” ending pointless and random.
STARS: *½
PURSE SHOPPING
(host) & Starkisha vie to buy purses that are out of their price ranges
— Oh, god. Starkisha. Between Versace and now this, is tonight’s episode breaking out ALL of my least favorite recurring sketches of this era? As if Paris hosting wasn’t enough to make this episode unwatchable for me.
— Finesse In A Dress alert.
— After Paris fools Starkisha by pulling a “rabbit season, duck season” move on her during their back-and-forth arguing, I love Kenan telling Starkisha “Yo, you just Bugs Bunny-ed!”
— Paris isn’t believable at all here as a character who would balk at a purse being very expensive.
— Most of the phone conversation between Starkisha and Kenan fell flat for me.
— I love Seth’s deadpan wallet check. Kenan subsequently doing a “black” version of the same thing didn’t work and his delivery was weak.
STARS: **
CHEAPKIDS.NET
cheapkids.net says “When it comes to your children, why pay more?”
— A funny opening visual of Seth and Amy’s horribly sunburnt children.
— A lot of laughs from the spelling errors in the displayed baby book.
— Some more decent dark humor, much like the first cheapkids ad.
— Both of these cheapkids ads have ended so awkwardly, with absolutely no applause from the audience.
STARS: ***½
EXCLUSIVE CONNECTIONS
phone sex line caters to fantasy & sci-fi geeks
— A very solid concept.
— A lot of laughs from the various phone sex conversations and how they’re each relating to a specific sci-fi show/movie.
— A particularly funny part with Horatio’s Star Trek geek giving himself a “Vulcan nerve pinch”, even causing a rare crack-up from the usually-professional Maya.
— Very well-done sketch overall.
STARS: ****
TRUMP FAMILY
Donald Trump’s (DAH) new wife Melania (host) meets his children
— In an episode hosted by Paris Hilton, I don’t need to be reminded of another nightmare SNL host: Donald Trump.
— All of Trump’s kids being portrayed as speaking just like him feels like a bit of a precursor to SNL’s later Walken Family Reunion sketch.
— Seth’s Trump voice actually isn’t bad. Not too sure about Fred or Maya’s attempts, though.
— This “Trump’s kids talking like him” gimmick has already gotten old, as it’s too thin a premise, without the fun hook of the aforementioned Walken Family Reunion sketch.
— What’s the point of the repeated gag with Paris-as-Melania’s rising big skirt revealing her legs whenever she sits down?
— Overall, didn’t care for this.
STARS: *½
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Somewhere Only We Know”
WEEKEND UPDATE
Donovan McNabb’s (FIM) mother (KET) makes Super Bowl predictions
(FRA)’s fellow munchkin (RAD) falls from the Weekend Update desk
hometown fans AMP & TIF do a Point-Counterpoint about Super Bowl matchup
— Kenan In A Dress alert.
— A pretty good laugh from Kenan-as-Charline-McNabb’s blunt comment about how the Eagles are gonna get their asses whooped without Terrell Owens.
— Well…this segment with Fred and Rachel as random tiny characters is certainly different.
— I do love the nod to SNL’s past, with Tina’s line about how Fred and Rachel’s tiny characters have been in SNL’s studio since the 70s after crawling up with Elliott Gould’s mustache.
— Not sure I care for the ending of the Fred/Rachel commentary, with Fred’s character trying to get the ladies to do perverted moves.
— This Point/Counterpoint between Tina and Amy, with them using the regional accent of their respective hometown of Philadelphia and Burlington, New England while debating each other about the then-upcoming Eagles/Patriots Super Bowl, is basically a little-known precursor to a very famous sketch SNL would later do in a Natalie Portman-hosted episode from 2018, in which 18th century colonists from Philadelphia and Boston have a heated debate with each other about their respective towns, making many illusions to 2018’s then-upcoming Eagles/Patriots Super Bowl. Tina even cameos in that sketch as one of the Philadelphia colonists, though instead of getting an Amy cameo as one of the Boston colonists, we get a cameo from also-real-life-Bostonian Rachel.
STARS: **½
MERV THE PERV
flashback shows cheerleader (host) nearly went to prom with Merv The Perv
— I always get a kick out of that theme song.
— Interesting change of pace with us seeing a flashback of Merv The Perv in 1985.
— The way Paris is positioned feels odd and awkward, with the way she’s facing and speaking right into the camera instead of facing Seth and Chris while speaking to them all throughout this sketch. I’m assuming she was given directions to face and speak into the camera, but it still makes no sense to me.
— The usual funny one-liners from Merv The Perv.
— At the end of this sketch, while Merv is saying his ending one-liner into the camera, Paris walks RIGHT PAST THE CAMERA, blocking Chris for a millisecond.
STARS: ***
CHEAPKIDS.NET
cheapkids.net sells expired children’s medications at rock-bottom prices
— Chris has been getting a lot more airtime than usual tonight. This is very nice to see after he’s been VERY invisible the last few episodes prior to this. Tonight’s episode happens to be on Chris’ birthday (February 5), which almost makes me wonder if that’s the reason for his increase in airtime, but I doubt it.
— Like the last two cheapkids ads, some good laughs throughout this, though I’ve pretty much run out of things to say about these ads.
— Aaaaaand again, this ends without any audience applause, though it didn’t feel quite as awkward this time.
STARS: ***½
RAFAEL ALONZO’S I.T.F. TECHNICAL COMPUTER INSTITUTE
Rafael Alonzo (FRA) can’t overemphasize your need to learn computers
— I’ve always found this one-off performance from Fred to be very memorable and hilarious, especially his delivery of “You have to learn computeeeerrrrrs!”
— This is the SECOND consecutive episode in which Rob Riggle makes his only appearance of the night doing practically nothing with no lines at all. Jesus Christ, SNL. Just when it seemed like he was finally starting to get funnier and funnier roles, with Leviticus in the Robert DeNiro episode and Howard Dean in the Topher Grace episode, SNL has to suddenly interrupt his good progress by reducing the man to being nothing but a non-speaking extra for two consecutive episodes.
— I love the listed-off things of incredibly basic computer things the institute teaches you.
— An overall intentionally simplistic, dumb, and silly sketch, but I found it to be very funny. Fred excels at making offbeat stuff like this work in these early years of his SNL tenure. Like a lot of what Will Forte does, this type of Fred Armisen sketch is probably an acquired taste, but it’s right up my alley. Stuff like this is why, back when this season originally aired, I considered Fred and Will to be the only two consistently-reliable saving graces of this weak season.
STARS: ****
INSIDE BARBIE’S DREAMHOUSE
vintage Barbie (AMP) catches Ken (WLF) cheating with a new Barbie (host)
— Odd how this one-off sketch from a 2002 Britney Spears episode has returned after THREE SEASONS. I guess SNL brought this sketch out of the mothballs tonight because they figured Paris would be very fitting in a literal plastic role like Barbie.
— Like last time, good detail in the way the doll characters stiffly walk and move their limbs.
— For some reason, that visual of Amy-as-Barbie’s dot-filled bald spot on her head made my skin crawl (the fourth above screencap for this sketch).
— A laugh from the visual of a Paris Hilton mannequin turning her head all the way to the other side.
— I like Amy’s Barbie sternly asking Will’s Ken if Paris’ Barbie showed him her “Made In China”.
— I could do without the tedious running gag of a commercial jingle playing every time a Barbie accessory is mentioned.
— Did I just see Paris blatantly use her real right arm to grab back her fake right arm after it got pulled off?
— Overall, despite some laughs, there were a lot of things in this sketch I didn’t care for, and the sketch as a whole didn’t work anywhere NEAR as well as the solid first installment of this sketch with Britney.
STARS: **
MUSICAL PERFORMANCE
musical guest performs “Everybody’s Changing”
BAR
Yinzer (SEM) gets nowhere while trying to pick up (host) in a NYC bar
— A character piece for Seth in a bit of a slice-of-life vein.
— Boy, Paris is particularly wooden as hell in this sketch, even for her standards.
— I don’t like the running bit throughout this sketch with Seth leaning in for a kiss with Paris.
— Not a bad characterization and voice from Seth, and I appreciate the attempt at a realistic, somewhat slice-of-life piece, but ehhh, this sketch is not doing much for me. I guess sketches with one loser speaking endlessly to a silent and disinterested attractive woman he’s sitting next to at a bar or cafe never work for me, as there was previously a Dan Aykroyd/Jane Curtin sketch with that premise in season 2’s Karen Black episode, and I didn’t care for that sketch in my review of it (in which I even made a comparison to this Seth Meyers/Paris Hilton sketch).
STARS: **
BEAR CITY
by T. Sean Shannon- an anthropomorphic ursine buys cigarettes
— A much simpler gag than the great Christmas Carolers edition of Bear City that last appeared, but this is still funny enough.
STARS: ***
GOODNIGHTS
IMMEDIATE POST-SHOW THOUGHTS
— A pretty weak episode, but far from the outright disaster I had remembered it being. There were more things that worked than I had recalled, and not quite as many duds as I had recalled. Paris Hilton also wasn’t quite as outright stiff or monotone of a host as I had remembered, aside from the Bar sketch, but she was still very one-note and added absolutely no value to the show. It also has to be acknowledged what an absolute NIGHTMARE behind the scenes she reportedly was throughout the week of this episode.
MY PERSONAL CHOICE OF “BEST OF” MOMENTS FOR THIS EPISODE, REPRESENTED WITH SCREENCAPS
HOW THIS EPISODE STACKS UP AGAINST THE PRECEDING ONE (Paul Giamatti)
a big step down
My full set of screencaps for this episode is here
TOMORROW
Jason Bateman